Gravity.

I’ve fallen in love with John Mayer’s song gravity. It’s quickly climbed to my top 25 most played songs in like a day :p

Today was a bit better..everyday gets better and better. I think the thing that’s changing is definitely my view of things..I’m not looking at this as if it’s larger, greater than what I have inside me. I’m learning to see with those eyes of faith It’s kinda weird..pleasantly weird.

I just wanted to write a little about what I feel about my sister’s addiction..

Sober-

I can’t say she’s better. I can’t say she isn’t still putting her life up her nose. I can’t say she has found a place of reflection..a surreal place in which she can see that there are much more important things to stay awake..alert..sober for. I can’t say she is happy. I can’t say she is sad. I can’t say she feels at all. I can’t say she can see her family around her..reaching for that daughter, sister, cousin that they once knew and still love with a passion. I can’t say that she has a drive to live..meliorate..enjoy the sunrise or sunset.  I can’t say that she doesn’t feel alone when the bottle is empty and there are 0 refills. I can’t say she has edified sight. I can’t say she is the big sister I so desperately need. I can’t say she is found…she is lost..searching for that guidance that she never got correctly. I can’t say she hears. What I can say is that every night I pray..Pray for her to find a reason..to have the strength to let go of the past and reach for eternity..To want to live. Sober.

Confirmation?

I know God is working. I know He is moving in my life. In my world. My circumstances tell me to flee..to weep..to be afraid..to worry. God is the same..today, yesterday and foreverrrr. There was no need for worry yesterday, none for today or tomorrow.  I’m starting to feel the warmth of a brighter day..it’s been cold so long..dark..full of tribulation..that part hasn’t changed, of course..it’s gotten worse according to what my eyes can see..but I’m feeling that warmth..that promise. I’m learning again..how to walk by faith..not by sight. I’m so thankful for faith..so grateful for this boost of faith…Strength..Peace that surpasses understanding and for those people God put into my life who lift my spirits even further. I need to get in a place that confirms what I’m feeling in my spirit. My mom was talking about going to church tomorrow. The church we went to when I was a child..the church I was baptized in..I’d love to. I really would. I never thought I’d say that o_O I’m realizing I need to surround myself with more positive, productive people. I feel like I’m draining to the few I have been blessed with..and the last thing I want to do is drain my true friends. Well I’m off..I think I’ll be bloggin a lot more..

“Pray that what you lack does not distract”

Wow. Time is racing past me..more so now than ever. I’m trying to grab onto something..believe in something and make some kind of positive contribution.

Dysfunction has been all to familiar to me. Now that I’m “growing up”I’m developing my own view of where I came from. Of course millions of people come from dysfunctions and flourish..succeed. I know I’m capable of doing that too..it’s my most fervent prayer and ambition. I have to admit it’s some sort of miracle that I’ve made it thus far. I have no one but God to thank. He has some sort of plan for my life..I’m thirsty to find out what that plan is without questioning God..without loosing faith that there is one. I guess I can relate this time in my life pretty accurately to that scripture in the Bible when Jesus was sitting calmly while the storm raged..His followers were shaken(as we tend to be in trouble) yet he stood still..in control of the storm. He spoke..a few words and the storm ceased. I know I need to adapt.. to stand still in this raging storm that is going on in my own life right now. I haven’t had very much trouble doing this in the past. Dysfunction was always around, but not so close to me..moreover I didn’t have the understanding I have now..Now I can reason, I can worry, I can assume..Somehow I have to get to that place I knew as a child..that place that scripture urges me to stay in..”I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”  I know in the depths of my being..all this will pass away. There’s no spiritual sense in worry..worry is a carnal man’s game. God has always held me close to Him. He built a hedge around me..He shielded me from the agonies that so many people endure. Little children with 2 addicted parents who could care less if they’ve eaten, bathed, or slept. I’ve seen, heard, felt the pain of so many..so much greater than my own. Sometimes I have to ask myself..who are you not to suffer? Christ suffered. Innocent babies suffer..everyday..every second something horrible is happening..way worse than what I’m going through. I am so very fortunate..I have to count my blessings and hold on tight to faith..hold on to what I’ve known my whole life..He’s got the whole world in His hands..There’s a reason for this season. I can’t wait to get through it, not so much because I’m weary, because I’m tried of stressing, wondering when she’ll take one too many or if my mom’s heart will stop beating before I can truly perform the fifth commandment, or if I’ll ever reach my dreams..but because I want to use what I’ve been through to lift someone else up..Inspire change. I feel the void that has formed within my spiritual maturity..a void that has developed because of a lack of focus, a lack of study..meditation..time with myself and time with God. I have to take this time to invest in that. I can hardly believe the stark difference in how I handled things in the past and how I handle things now. It’s like I’m sitting somewhere looking at my actions and reactions..astounded. Behavior is learned..habits formed..I’ve been distracted way too long. I need to center myself..Balance myself. It looks as though these problems are butter on a tight rope..but I know better…I knew it deep in my spirit once..I feel that knowledge slowly coming back..I’m fighting so hard for it. Like a person that’s about to drown fights to stay above water..I can recall this kind of thing happening to me once before..I pray this is the last time I stray. I need that rest that only closeness to God can supply. I can’t believe how enmeshed I was into the world and the ways and things of this world..I mean today we are extremely passive about this..way too passive. “Romans 12:²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  I’m just so sick of foolishness. I’m done entertaining it. All it’s going to lead me to is destruction. Something that is not of God. I want no part of anything like that. I’ll reach..reach in faith for a brighter tomorrow..today.

Mission Possible.

Day 1 of 365.

30 mins cardio. o_o I’m sweaty like a beast. Yea ewe. But I’m on my way! Only fudge up…a sniker my mom bought me in 08 haha.

She Never Ceases To Amazze Me.

Yep. She made me blush. Againnn! Why is this girl so effin perfect yet so far away!? One resolution for 09 among many…meet her!

Care for a plum?

Soo my dell studio 15 in plum purple shipped today! I was so pleasantly surprised becoz the est. ship date was originally set for Jan. 13. I think I’ll get it b4 xmas yeee!

Identify.

Well. That 2343 questionaire paid off yesterday. Di called me in for that dreaded interview on Monday :s I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I tell myself this to trick myself into believing it. Is it working? Do pigs have punk rock haircuts? Yea that’s a no. I absolutely hate interviews! I consider myself very modest. I don’t feel comfortable being questioned about myself. Is this a problem? Not sure. I fear that my inactivity, lack of “worldy” experience, lack of community(to assist with identity issuesss), bad body image and so on and so on has a direct effect on this. I intend to change these negatives. They certainly aren’t welcome. I’ve dealt with this for wayyyy too long.

I’m not tickled with the prospect of working in retail again. However, I’m trying to look at this with excitable motives and bright eyes. I know how many doors having a job will open up to me. I also know..This can be good or bad. It’s up to me. I have to stay focused on my goal and not go on those shoppings sprees I’m so well known for :s. It’s time to stop lazily missing my targets in life. I’ve got some real big dreams. Real big ideas about changing what circumstances have created into what I want..who I truly am.

Firstly I must uncover. Unveil myself of this fckn excess weight I’ve allowed myself to gain. I know weightloss isn’t a solution to my negative body image. I mean b4 I gained weight I always seemed to find something I didn’t like about myself. My eyebrows weren’t arched enough, my face wasn’t full enough, my ears weren’t out enough. WTF?! I’ve learned to look inside first and I’m lovn what I see there. Howeverrrr, I’d much rather look in the mirror and see the girl I know I can be. Healthy, not just a pretty face, and yea SEXAY. :p Its so ez to say this. To want it. To dream it. But it’s gonna be hard doing it. I realized that when I started. This is not gonna be ez Ashley. But I’m certain it’ll be well worrrth it.

I’m learning so much in my old age. I know I can manage this life. Make it work for me and not just live working for it. I’m actually excited for the first time in my life to make it my own. It’s ike I’ve been given a huge blank canvas to draw, paint, print whatever upon. Despite the obstacles. And there will be obstacles, daily! I can’t look at the problem, nor the level of difficulty it may take to solve them. I’m just so inspired. So amped. I’m truly ready to make my life what I want it to beee. Like sickeningly excited. Lol

I should clean my room.

Going to bed like an hour earlier than I had been really spunked me up. I have more energy and am more alert. Go figure. I should try that more often for sure. I’ve decided to lay off worrying abou giving her a daily dose in whatever amount she wants..I have to think abou meee too! That sounds naughty. But unfortunately it isn’t :/ haha Ok enough rambling into space and sound

Girl Interrupted.

My sis took off with the shit under her shoe.
I hope I don’t have to bury her too soon. Before her dreams are realized. She is such a talented person, so intelligent, so blessed. I want her to display all that God has given her. Proudly, humbly. I can’t say I’m worried. I’ve given any extra thought over to prayer. I know God hears me. And I know He is speaking to her. I know he can reach down to the deepest recess of her beyond the intoxication, beyond the damage the drugs have caused and call her out. Just as He called and Lazarus came out. Once dead. As is my sister. Dead in her own way. She can be saved. This is my prayer. That she hears that still small voice and responds. Reacts. Leaves this life that has caused her such agony behind, beyond her. And that’s all I have to say about that. haaa Sounds like Forrest. Forrest Gump :/ lol

I’m so glad I found all the tax returns I need to apply for financial aid. I’m sure it won’t be much, but every little bit counts. I’ll havvvve to get a job before Sept. is out or have a game plan in line. I’ve applied at this store that doesn’t open till Oct. 25 and it’s retail. The very thing I said I wouldn’t go back to. Bah. Humbug. I’ll do whatever it takes to make my dreams, MY DREAMS, come through. Even if that means going back to my old retail job. Makes more sense to do that actually coz it’s closer and they’d work with me for school. Idk. I have to stop turning it over in my head when I should be doing other things. That’s for sure. I’d rather just dive. Just do it. Hmm The diet blew up shortly after Gustav. But I’m piecing it back together. HAha I’ve made up my mind to join Curves once I can afford it. Seems like a good idea. They offer a free trainer. WTF? How could I pass thatt up? I’m feeling kinda sleepy, but not as sleepy as I was yesterday at this time. I was so tense. I guess from all the stress. I have to stop thinking so much. Well I’m off to watch True Life.

“Until then, get back to your life and be happy!”

My Horoscope rang so true.

“If you are having issues around your home, then look to your work or school day as an escape from them. Instead of taking those problems with you everywhere you go, leave them where they belong and let yourself be free to focus on other things. Don’t worry, this isn’t a form of denial — it’s a form of control. You will deal with things when and where it’s proper to deal with them. Trust yourself to know when the right time will be. Until then, get back to your life and be happy!”

F*#K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK. So I did well yesterday with my “diet”. Today I totalllly fucked up! I’m so disappointed with myself because I know I’m more than capable to stick to it and accomplish my goal. Well, tomorrow’s another day.

Other than that, I didn’t go to class today and I don’t plan on going tomorrow. It’s basically reviewing at this stage and quite frankly I can do that at home. I’ll probably go Thursday, just to use their software. I got the call like yesterday. July 16 is the day.

Me n mom had lunch today and I told her I was contemplating returning to my old job that I absolutely abhor. She almost instantly responded positively. Like she was waiting and looking for a way to tell me that’s what I should do. I wasn’t surprised. I know she’s at the end of her rope with being mom. I just don’t understand why and how ppl who shouldn’t even have a per goldfish end up with children. Anywhoo. I’m gonna start paying closer attn. to the classified adds and if I don’t catch anything better by my test date, I’m callin my old ’super’.

I’m sooo happy with how my little scarf is coming along! Even though I’m knitting it in black tweed, the stitch definition can not be missed. It’s gonna be a lovely accessory. I’m already half way done. My other project is up for debate. I did the background and the outline for the tree but omg that fckn brown is so unnatural! I really need better paints and brushes. Mine are truly primitive.

I feel near the passing out point. sleep. 0o0-_-0o0