And it’s night.
Well today was interesting to say the least. I was a bit behind myself. I woke at 8:45a.m. and found myself drifting back to sleep until 11 something. Alas I got up drug myself around the house till I woke up enough to work out. My legs were jelly after. I’m super rusty. Something vague was in the air today. Everyone I came into contact with was just bleh. Irky. Mom came home with the mission of getting me to rejoin her at old ppl central. “I have the Sunday classifieds if you’d like them.” Personally it may have helped more to have them Sunday, but yea I have them here beside me. I’m on my own mission. “And you mean you don’t wanna go back to Summerville? Why what happened to you at Summerville?” Why does she need an explanation as to what I do and why is what I’d like to know. I’m 23 yrs. old and frankly if she had shown as much interest and encouragement towards me finishing school as she does for me “going back” to Summerville I wouldn’t be writing about this. I’d be writing about how wonderful it is to be somewhere and to have someone who loves me..for me. I’d be successful. I’d have my own piece of pie. I’m not one to elaborate on woulda, coulda, shouldas, but yea it’s a true press. I mentioned school and she drowned me out before I could even go on. What’s with that? I don’t know why I thought, for once, she’d lend an ear. Lead me in the right direction. Back me up about doing something so positive. This is a big and important step (school). It’s so hard for me. I feel vacated. Alone with absolutely no support from no one. I’m not looking for the world to be handed to me on a golden platter, but I look around at my friends. Their parents bought them their first car. Helps them through school and more importantly encourages them to finish with flying colors. I can’t say I haven’t been jealous on occasion in my own obscure way. Moreover I wonder why. I’m not the only one who struggles. And I look at ppl who are worse off and try to be incited by their victories. I’m at ground zero. Looking for a place to plug in. I’m not sure I know what to do just yet. I’ve been praying more than I have in like forever. I had to face my immediate problem. I had a job and did everything I could to distract myself from the inevitable task of “finding a way outta no way.” Now it’s just me and my thoughts. I hope one day I will look back on all this and smile. All I have now is faith. I shouldn’t say all. I’m begining to see what ‘the struggle’ should represent in my life. I shouldn’t worry so much about what I may have to do to get where I see myself inside. I should just take a job and deal with it as best I can. I’ve been too picky. It’s just that I know I’m capable of more and I want the very best I can get. *Sighs* I’ve gotta sacrafice a little to get a lot. In due time…I’ll be ok. For now, I’m on my way.
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