Well. That 2343 questionaire paid off yesterday. Di called me in for that dreaded interview on Monday :s I am not afraid. I am not afraid. I tell myself this to trick myself into believing it. Is it working? Do pigs have punk rock haircuts? Yea that’s a no. I absolutely hate interviews! I consider myself very modest. I don’t feel comfortable being questioned about myself. Is this a problem? Not sure. I fear that my inactivity, lack of “worldy” experience, lack of community(to assist with identity issuesss), bad body image and so on and so on has a direct effect on this. I intend to change these negatives. They certainly aren’t welcome. I’ve dealt with this for wayyyy too long.

I’m not tickled with the prospect of working in retail again. However, I’m trying to look at this with excitable motives and bright eyes. I know how many doors having a job will open up to me. I also know..This can be good or bad. It’s up to me. I have to stay focused on my goal and not go on those shoppings sprees I’m so well known for :s. It’s time to stop lazily missing my targets in life. I’ve got some real big dreams. Real big ideas about changing what circumstances have created into what I want..who I truly am.

Firstly I must uncover. Unveil myself of this fckn excess weight I’ve allowed myself to gain. I know weightloss isn’t a solution to my negative body image. I mean b4 I gained weight I always seemed to find something I didn’t like about myself. My eyebrows weren’t arched enough, my face wasn’t full enough, my ears weren’t out enough. WTF?! I’ve learned to look inside first and I’m lovn what I see there. Howeverrrr, I’d much rather look in the mirror and see the girl I know I can be. Healthy, not just a pretty face, and yea SEXAY. :p Its so ez to say this. To want it. To dream it. But it’s gonna be hard doing it. I realized that when I started. This is not gonna be ez Ashley. But I’m certain it’ll be well worrrth it.

I’m learning so much in my old age. I know I can manage this life. Make it work for me and not just live working for it. I’m actually excited for the first time in my life to make it my own. It’s ike I’ve been given a huge blank canvas to draw, paint, print whatever upon. Despite the obstacles. And there will be obstacles, daily! I can’t look at the problem, nor the level of difficulty it may take to solve them. I’m just so inspired. So amped. I’m truly ready to make my life what I want it to beee. Like sickeningly excited. Lol

I should clean my room.

Going to bed like an hour earlier than I had been really spunked me up. I have more energy and am more alert. Go figure. I should try that more often for sure. I’ve decided to lay off worrying abou giving her a daily dose in whatever amount she wants..I have to think abou meee too! That sounds naughty. But unfortunately it isn’t :/ haha Ok enough rambling into space and sound


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