“Pray that what you lack does not distract”

Wow. Time is racing past me..more so now than ever. I’m trying to grab onto something..believe in something and make some kind of positive contribution.

Dysfunction has been all to familiar to me. Now that I’m “growing up”I’m developing my own view of where I came from. Of course millions of people come from dysfunctions and flourish..succeed. I know I’m capable of doing that too..it’s my most fervent prayer and ambition. I have to admit it’s some sort of miracle that I’ve made it thus far. I have no one but God to thank. He has some sort of plan for my life..I’m thirsty to find out what that plan is without questioning God..without loosing faith that there is one. I guess I can relate this time in my life pretty accurately to that scripture in the Bible when Jesus was sitting calmly while the storm raged..His followers were shaken(as we tend to be in trouble) yet he stood still..in control of the storm. He spoke..a few words and the storm ceased. I know I need to adapt.. to stand still in this raging storm that is going on in my own life right now. I haven’t had very much trouble doing this in the past. Dysfunction was always around, but not so close to me..moreover I didn’t have the understanding I have now..Now I can reason, I can worry, I can assume..Somehow I have to get to that place I knew as a child..that place that scripture urges me to stay in..”I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”  I know in the depths of my being..all this will pass away. There’s no spiritual sense in worry..worry is a carnal man’s game. God has always held me close to Him. He built a hedge around me..He shielded me from the agonies that so many people endure. Little children with 2 addicted parents who could care less if they’ve eaten, bathed, or slept. I’ve seen, heard, felt the pain of so many..so much greater than my own. Sometimes I have to ask myself..who are you not to suffer? Christ suffered. Innocent babies suffer..everyday..every second something horrible is happening..way worse than what I’m going through. I am so very fortunate..I have to count my blessings and hold on tight to faith..hold on to what I’ve known my whole life..He’s got the whole world in His hands..There’s a reason for this season. I can’t wait to get through it, not so much because I’m weary, because I’m tried of stressing, wondering when she’ll take one too many or if my mom’s heart will stop beating before I can truly perform the fifth commandment, or if I’ll ever reach my dreams..but because I want to use what I’ve been through to lift someone else up..Inspire change. I feel the void that has formed within my spiritual maturity..a void that has developed because of a lack of focus, a lack of study..meditation..time with myself and time with God. I have to take this time to invest in that. I can hardly believe the stark difference in how I handled things in the past and how I handle things now. It’s like I’m sitting somewhere looking at my actions and reactions..astounded. Behavior is learned..habits formed..I’ve been distracted way too long. I need to center myself..Balance myself. It looks as though these problems are butter on a tight rope..but I know better…I knew it deep in my spirit once..I feel that knowledge slowly coming back..I’m fighting so hard for it. Like a person that’s about to drown fights to stay above water..I can recall this kind of thing happening to me once before..I pray this is the last time I stray. I need that rest that only closeness to God can supply. I can’t believe how enmeshed I was into the world and the ways and things of this world..I mean today we are extremely passive about this..way too passive. “Romans 12:2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”  I’m just so sick of foolishness. I’m done entertaining it. All it’s going to lead me to is destruction. Something that is not of God. I want no part of anything like that. I’ll reach..reach in faith for a brighter tomorrow..today.

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