Y Start a new blog. This one is perfectly Lush.

So I decided to start a new blog but ta. History is here so here’s the post from the old new blog new old blog? Huh wha idk (:

Let’s avoid backsliding?

September 27, 2009

Soo I’ve decided to start from scratch. Literally. New blog for a new me? Lol. We’ll see.

First of all, I’m comin up on age two-five. Big deal for me. I feel like the days of getting up every morning overly enthused about going to my meaningless job and carrying on with my meaningless life is just not enough. I need that something more Tyronne Wells sings so fervently about. I’ve tapped slightly into that more. More. What this means to me exactly..a healthier body, mind, soul, enviornment, insight, self-image, relationships…you know all that good stuff people long for, but seldom attain in its entirety.

9-26-09

Just found some time and decided to use it to finish this draft. Wow. This was started when I was still 24. *sighs* A lot has changed since then. Unfortunately, a lot has not. I have taken great strides to attain that more I described above. I finally enrolled in college and I’m doing much better than I’d anticipated. I’m taking online classes for now, however, I can hardly wait to actually experience college in person next semester. I’m a little apprehensive, but I’m assuming it’s positive anxiety? Lol Is there such a thing? I’m still working part-time and I’ve grown to actually stomach my little piece of retail hell. Seems like I’ve really got it together aye? Not exactly. The largest aspect of my life is truly the worst. Homelife. Family. Now don’t get me wrong, my family has always been dysfunctional, but my mother did all she could do to shield me from it. So the sting was just barely noticeable. I was also younger, which means I was unaware of a lot of things. Ignorance is bliss. I finally found out what that means. First major issue(well I can’t really say this is more or less intense as the others but here it goes) is my mother’s health. She has type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and a broken heart. She can manage her diabetes and high blood pressure, but how can you mend a broken heart? Just about a year ago my sister sunk to the bottom of her lifelong rebel lifestyle. Should I say, we found out about it jus about a year ago…She has always caused my mother a great deal of grief for as long as I can remember, but now..now it’s almost unbearable to witness. She has a big problem that’s smaller than the tip of your little finger. She’s addicted to prescription pain killers. What a tragedy..such a tragedy. I’ve known great people..admired them and read of their demise..never once did I imagine that I would suffer a loss such as theirs. A huge part of me feels like I’ve lost my sister. Seeing her each day is more like being at her funeral. I’ve come to realize I can’t change her. I have talked, cried, expressed my love and concern..I’ve totally exhausted myself trying to “save” her. She was offered help..she refused it. She pretended all was well inside while she was in a rehabilitation facility..How can she be saved? Who can help her if she won’t help herself? She goes through periods of sobriety..then she starts straight back down the path of addiction..I know she has scoliosis.. I know she has demons..memories that haunt her..she has suffered so. A part of me understands, but a larger part of me is enraged. I have suffered just as she has..millions of children have grown up in less than favorable circumstances and grew up to be successful..Why can’t she? I feel part of her is damaged..there will be scars. And scars are ok. Scars should be a source of strength, not an excuse to cause further destruction. As hard as it may be to do so, I have resolved to draw strength from this..I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be at peace. I’m not going to waste anymore energy on her and her addiction. I have to focus on staying in one piece and supporting my mother. I don’t want t o abandon her and essentially I am not as she lives with us..but gone are the days of  spending time with an unresponsive zombie. I’m not going to expose myself to the pain of seeing her fall asleep and looking/behaving strangely. I won’t look into eyes that deceive me. Not anymore. I’m tired. I won’t let this distract me from my goals. Just today I had pains..strange sensations in my heart..just at the sight of her. Should I loose my life just to watch her take her own? Done. I have to wee

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