Juliet and Juliet.

Today was productive. In a way..We went to bring the final papers to ERA and to schedule an appointment with the dr for me to get my shots :/ After, mom went a couple places to fill out apps. The first one was reminiscent of any other nursing home..The first thing that greets you is the faint smell of urine mingled with an unsuccessful attempt to cover it up with a cheap spin-off of lysol. Then there’s the overwhelming linger of hope that is slowly fading away. The most exciting prospect is monday night bingo or the 4 o clock movie(on VHS). There’s a fish tank in the waiting area. There was a variety of fish. Little fish. Big fish. Sucker fish. Fish that swam fast. Fish the swam slow. Fish that seemed content and those that seemed relentless. One stood out. He/She was a small fish with a big will. He was swimming fervently to and fro. From one end of the fish tank to the other. Then he swam to the top. Again to and fro. Then to the top. There’s a background of an ocean in the tank. I find this cruel. I wonder how many fish, how many times, have tried to swim into that background. That illusion? I wonder how it must feel to them. Looking at possibilities. Seemingly endless ocean. Just a wall. A cruel joke? Some kind of comfort? Then, how could staring in the face of what coulda been, shoulda been.. be comforting? ..As I pondered these things, the little fish swam. Relentless. I wanted to help him. To remove the top for him to escape. But to what? He would accomplish his goal only to perish? Only to jump from the tank to dry land? I admire his flight. I don’t know if to hope for complacency for this little creature or if to sneak in and rescue a handful of fish into a bucket of water, then back to the ocean. The real ocean…

Out the head now..well not really…She told me to call my highschool for my shot records..great thinking. Great girl. We taalked for hours again last night…I say again because we’ve done it before..but hadn’t in too long. It was just as it was before her gf. The sweetest symphony..a love song. Perfection. Only it isn’t perfect. She’s there and I am here without her. I wondered last night while swimming ..like that little fish..in her tank of sorts lol..What would happen if I escaped..What would happen if I landed in her hands. Would she care for me enough? Would she bring me death or life? Is love death or is it life? I guess it’s life for as long as it lasts..so the question would be..would we last? I’m not 100% sure of that. I feel like she’s not quite where she needs to be to catch and hold..more like grab and obsess. Err..And I’m not where I need to be to be caught or held. It’s a drama. Juliet and Juliet.

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