Hurt or Wounded?…maybe both

nap·py 1

//  (np)

adj. nap·pi·er, nap·pi·est 1. Having a nap; fuzzy: a nappy carpet

2. Often Offensive Tightly curled or coiled. Used of hair. nap·py 1 (np)

adj. nap·pi·er, nap·pi·est
1. Having a nap; fuzzy: a nappy carpet
2. Often Offensive Tightly curled or coiled. Used of hair.

Welll just got another insult from me mum about my hair..I won’t call it my ntural hair or my relaxed hair because its the in-betweenish hair she is inadverently insulting. Transitioning hair. The hair that she sees when she looks at a difficult type of hair to manage. Anyone who has transitioned is well aware of this. It’s hard enough for the transitioner than anyone else.  However, sometimes I wonder if it’s harder for my mother. I try to remind myself that she is from another time..she doesn’t get the full scope of what’s happening. Otherwise, she would be more than happy for me and my decision. The only thing she sees is natural hair vs. relaxed hair at war. War, as we know, is NEVER  a pretty sight. But if we can look deeper. Farther. With eyes full of knowledge and compassion, perhaps we can see some love in war. Well this war..for sure..there will be beauty in the end. I don’t say that to incenuate that I feel less beautiful relaxed..but come on..nature iss beauty. I will have a deeper beauty when this process is over. My own curls..kinks..waves. Me. The girl God created with what they call nappy hair..God saw that hair and saw that it was good. There will be beauty in my liberation from running from the rain..running to a box with an image of  an African American woman with  bone straight hair. A woman who is wearing.. a lie…running from to the shower because of the chemicals burning into my scalp..running from what they call nappy. There will be honesty. To myself..and all who see me. I will stand naked before God and man..and you know what I’ll say? Damn I’m beautiful…naturally… Furthermore, in the words of India Arie..I am not my hair

I think maybe just maybe there’s a hint of jealousy there too. I think she wishes she would have or could take the step I have taken..She has practically transitioned right alongside me. She hasn’t put one relaxer in her head since I did. That’s roughly 5 or 6 months..She purchased a relaxer..It sits there where she eats..on the kitchen table. She hasn’t touched it..She speaks of how that particular brand has “made her friends hair grow”..she speaks of how good of a relaxer it can a relaxer possibly be a good thing? Sodium hydroxide, among other things, is in relaxers. How can something that is bad be good?

Yea. That’s what sodium hydroxide can do. I wonder if my mother is not proud of whoo she is. I am. And I don’t intend to disrespect myself nor my ancestors by insisting that the hair they had was ugly..bad..wrong. I understand it if it’s a style choice..If she chooses to wear it because she just likes bone straight thin look..But when u blatently insult coarse..kinky..curly hair..when u refer to it as nappy..that indicates to me that it goes a bit deeper than a styling option. And that is just wrong. I’ve decided at this moment..her support is no longer needed. She’s shown me today how she feels will not change..However, with every day that goes by, I will. And with that change I’m hoping she will begin to see beauty..knowledge..courage and acceptance.

…to be contd.


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