“Everything is becoming..nothing is.”
Genius. I’m reallllly loving philosophy despite what many have said about it being frumpy and annoying. Loving it. It’s really helping me navigate through this strange place in my life. I’m glad I decided to do as Socrates would suggest..think for myself.
I’ve decided to void myself of the internet other than blogging and other necessities. A lot of things have driven me to this conclusion, but mainly..I need time to focus on myself. I haven’t really done that in way too long..maybe even years. This whole facebook..like this..post that..twitter..I’m doing this..going there..Blah. It’s never appealed to me, more so now than never. I need to take an active part in living my life. Unplugged. A lot of people I have met via the net have been nothing more than megabytes..It’s so hard to determine whether or not someone online is being true to self, let alone me. It’s hard to understand the dynamics of an online friendship. There are people I spoke to on a regular basis that now I can’t hear a peep from. I’m left here wondering..did I rub her/him the wrong way?..is this person really even a friend? I don’t have time for shit like that. I’m not a fair weather friend and quite frankly, I don’t consider any of those I spoke of to be true friends..merely contacts..ships passing on the sea o’ life. I’m just done with it. I feel like I’ve been untied from the cords and wires that connected me to those people. And it feels damn good. I hope God will lead me to genuine people who I can know are my friends..everyday, not just when they need someone to talk at. I haven’t been so fortunate in that dept over the years. I lost contact with most of my friends from school after Katrina, and I never bothered to strike up new ones. I’ve always been so solitary. And I still am, but I’m approaching a place in my life where I want to get out and do more..see more..form lasting meaningful relationships with my fellow uprights. First I know I need to work on me so that what I bring into a friendship/relationship doesn’t layer over the person I am. This will be a journey. I can feel the wind changing..blowing me in a different direction, yet a similar one. I can recall feeling somewhat like this when I was 15, 16ish..setting out on discovering who and what I had inside. I don’t think one ever reaches the end of such a journey..it’s lifelong. However, right now is some kind of pivotal point..I can feel it. Another reason I decided to pull the plug, is because of a “relationship” that I had over the course of a year with someone I thought was “the one”. HA. Hilarious now. It’s been so confusing for me because she is quite wishy-washy. She expects me to leave this ole heart of mine wide open to whatever she may decide to put in or take out of it. I must say a lot has been taken out, not nearly as much put in. I hoped we could remain friends, but I can see that at this time that is not possible. She still has feelings, of course I do..can you ever stop loving someone? No. Once=Again-ad infinitum. However, one can decide to put that possibility behind them..close that chapter..and that’s what I have done. What hurts me the most is our friendship seems so lost. It is the casualty of all this. It seems like it’s so awkward when we talk..suppressed feelings never make for a great conversational setting. I know what we had as friends was much greater..our relationship complicated a very simple beauty. I tried so hard not to make her fall in love with me..not to let her know I loved her..to keep it strictly platonic..But who can stand under the weight of infatuation mingled with feelings of true love? Some. not her..But..no tears over spilled milk. No more anyway. I’m all dried out. I’ve got nothing left to give right now. Too much has been sucked out of me. These lyrics sum it up pretty well..I’m not sorry I met you, I’m not sorry it’s over, I’m not sorry, there’s nothing to say..I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say.
On the job front.. I have been coming across several good potential job possibilities! I’m super motivated to get back in the workforce. I need to have a steady income of some kind..this financial aid once n a while just aren’t enow. My eyes are hurting..I didn’t sleep so well last night coz I had a nap..gran. And one is runny because I’ve been shopping for a few things online. It’s so hard to find nice summery floral print dresses! Dunno y, they’re ultra cute. I did find one on Old Navy.com, but I’m not so sure how it will look. A lot of people have said it makes you look like you’re wearing a potato sack..No good. We shall see.
I’ve been so into taking pieces and putting my own spin on em lately. I never thought I could get any girlier..but if I get one fraction more girly, I’ll be in a tower with a pink frilly hat calling down for some blonde haired blue-eyed prince Anywho..I think I’ll start posting some of my finds. Most of the things I get are inexpensive. I’m frugal..at best. I’ve ordered a bunch of makeup just to dibble dabble, from elf.com. The selection is pretty good and super cheap! Great quality too. I’ll get some swatches and what not up when I get my 2nd shipment. I had trouble finding swatches for my skintone, so maybe it’ll help someone. I’m brownish reddish yellowish lol Yea. But I found perfeccct shades of tint and pressed powder (spice-tone3 and almond).
Well I think I’ve typed quite enough for now.