“Embrace the peace that closure and distance bring”.
Well the last straw has been pulled. I have been so utterly broken the last week. I realize now that I had been shopping trying to fill that void..There is no way to fill up a void when the thing that filled it is unique to itself. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a triangular slot. 99% of the hurt is the fact that I hadn’t accepted it. I kept suppressing..telling myself not to feel..ignore..move on..All these words without the right emotions to back them up are..well words. I have been fueled up on love. Love conquers all. There is no place for love in what is left for us. She has abandoned that now. The only emotions I should be fueled on are my intense desire for closure, friendship, and most of all peace. I am lying to myself if I say it’s only friendship that I crave in my attempts to talk and share time we used to. Deep down inside there is a hope that is not down deep enough now considering that she is involved with someone else. She led me to believe it’s not deep enough within herself either last month, but my healing is not about her feelings. It’s about mine. I have to be selfish here because it’s my eyes that are weeping and my heart that is breaking. I can’t allow hope or words or anything to destroy my process of healing. It rings so loudly in my ears..”I’m still in love with you.” I ask myself why did I hear this. How can I forget it? I know she is suppressing that now..even if it is true..if she does still have feelings for me she is pushing them aside to be with someone else. And I don’t blame her one bit! I know it won’t be easy, but I really need to start processing and releasing the hope that binds me to this endless cycle of tears and sadness.
It’s not entirely counterproductive to embrace possibility. However, for the moment I need to find a way to not embrace it. It’s that embrace that is keeping my heart open to more pain. Everyday that possibility turns to impossibility is like another knife piercing my heart. The only thing I need to embrace now is the road ahead of me. No more looking back. Only I can control my mind. I know I can get away from this place that holds me so near to her. I know I can. I’ve escaped greater prisons. The fear of letting go is so intense now. It’s more intense than ever. I think it’s this way because I’m truly ready for change now. I’m truly ready to move on! I’m tired of these episodes of grief..grieving something I never truly had. I know I deserve something better. Something mutual..something pure. A love that will not be so easily taken from me. I long for that..I know there’s a lot of things I need to do personally to become a better me. There’s a lot of work I need to do within myself before I can have that. I think..no I know that’s a much more relevent endeavor than trying to fix things by myself.
If our friendship means 2 shits to her..in time we will be ok again. I know right now is a difficult time for me.
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