Last time I was almost 30..
Thought I’d pass through and revisit my past thoughts. What a bright young chap I was! I almost deleted this blog. I’ve opened countless..and by countless I mean 2?..other blogs..Always an external “do over” in an attempt to fix what was never broken..merely bent. Bending isn’t all bad…
Lately I’ve been incredibly under the weather..such a shame as this is my favorite time of year. There’s such a heavy cloud surrounding my life..there are times when the sun can manage to peep through, but the heaviness of it all is so overwhelming. A physician would deem it depression and i couldn’t argue with that. Finding ways to cope is hard..especially when you’re surrounded by other wounded mammals, but I’ve been getting by. Just getting by. I want more..I’ve decided to dig in..it hurts terribly and a large part of me wishes to keep the wound covered. I know the best way is to rip off the band-aid and bleed..I’m so tired of covering..hiding..pretending…so here we go. I’m diving in to get out..or rather get through. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I’m more than ready to move forward with that. However, there is a giant elephant in my space..one called addiction. Drug addiction has plagued my life since I was a child..most of the people closest to me struggle with it..However, I’ve always been a relatively safe distance from its effects. Now that I’m living with an addict there’s no escaping these effects. This heaviness encompasses everything I do..every step I take. Trying to shake it off is the most difficult tango. I’ve tried everything to help..to encourage change, but you can’t make any one do something they haven’t made up their own mind to do. So my job is to keep myself above the dark cloud..even though it pains me to know that people I love are clothed in it..I’m worthy of light..worthy of peace of mind. I’ve endured enough loss..giving up my life is not an option. There’s a hell of a lot for me to be sad about..I don’t have a functional family nor friends to lean on..This was no biggie to me for years..there was a vast emptiness that I had no desire to fill. Now that I’m opening up to myself, I’m starting to realize that I want these things..and I deserve these things. Family is not always who you are born to..and as for friends..I have never been open enough to truly make any. An introverted extrovert I am..ha.
There is a lot for me to be happy about too..forever an optimist. I have a job that I love..the people can be asses at times but I’m not there for them I’m there for my patients. And I know that what I do makes a huge difference in their lives..they breathe a bit easier because of what I do..literally. Working as a bloodbanker is such a rewarding job..not necessarily from coworkers or staff or patients but from self. I know what I do makes a difference. I’m truly growing into an adult in the workplace. As much as I’d like to dish out a couple five finger samishes, I don’t..I keep my head up and keep it moving. Many of my coworkers are rather selfish..they try to push off more difficult jobs on other techs instead of doing their part..such idiots..like aren’t you at work to well..work? It’a tempting for me to get like them, but nah. I’m determined to do my very best everyday..warm autos, kleihauer betkes, lui elutions, and all. I have never shied away from a challenge and I’m not about to be a chump now. I’m also working towards my second degree..pain in the arse that is, but I’m excited that I’m at least trying. And then there’s my body makeover..I’ve done a hell of a lot of damage to this body of mine and I’m ready for transformation. I know there will be bumps in the road..failures and successes..but I’m ready.
so as always onward… in spite of it all.