Fa-la-la-la-Blah?

I believe the spirit of the season should extend 365 days a year..we should recognize the needs of others and have a “Christmas” heart everyday. But this time of year has always placed the most emphasized strain on my optimism. There was a time..a long time ago..when the blissful ignorance of childhood shielded me from it all. Now between my mother’s holiday melancholy (which can be 10x worse than her usual depression) and my sister’s drug addiction the season is never so bright and cheerful for me. It hasn’t been for many years now and I’m absolutely tired. Tired of letting my happiness slip away into anxiety and depression. Tired of wondering what it feels like to be happy with my own life and not just for a season. I am a dedicated daughter and sister, but exactly how much of my own well being am I supposed to perpetually compromise? I bend over backwards to be there and uplift them but when I’m in need I’m on my own. My reservoir empties out and I haven’t the strength to pull myself up..get my own shit together..and to be perfectly honest I’m over it. I need me. I reallly urgently need me to be there for Me. My health is suffering..my social life..my love life..my sparkle is dim and I know there’s a flame inside me that is meant to shine. The only compromise I’m willing to offer at this point is to help them to get and be well. To live better, think better..move onward.. I know depression and addiction are illnesses..I am more than willing to help in any way I can with convalence..I’m willing to be the light that my mum needs when she’s in darkness..I’m willing to shine light on the truth when my sister becomes overwhelmed with the lies that lure of drugs whisper to her..I’m willing. But to sit here and stay silent..do nothing..that’s no longer an option. As uncomfortable as it makes me or them I have to confront them with the truth. Furthermore, I have to care for myself..do some things that make me sparkle..without that sparkle I can help no one. 

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