bloody tears.

My mother has been awake off and on since last night. It’s almost like a manic episode. She’s grumpy at everyone and making really dumb spur of the moment decisions…definitely mania. I feel bad for her but she’s had so many opportunities to get help with her depression, I find it difficult to remain empathic. Terrible, but true. I have to remind myself sometimes..especially when I’m not exactly having a peachy time being mistreated. I’m so thankful for my deep reservoir of patience and love…even though it doesn’t seem to be appreciated at moments like these. 

In sunnier news, my spirits are up😆I only have my finals left and the semester’s ova! Idk if it’s the new year’s resolution season that has gotten a hold of me but I’ve been really into getting this super chunky body of mine into shape. Ofc planning and doing are on different wavelengths though. I just feel inspired because I’ve never thought this hard on it in a while. 🙄

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complacent eclipse

I’ve been very chipper lately..my usual jovial self has come in and taken a seat. I’m grateful. Circumstances haven’t changed..my life’s still pretty much shit but I’m not drowning in it..just going through it. What else is there to do? There’s no way out but through 🤗 

Funny story…my lovely coworker switched my centrifuge with one that wasn’t working. She didn’t bother to try to fix it…she just left me with what she presumed to be a malfunctioning machine. She had no idea I had encountered the problem before and knew how to fix it (thanks to Google)…Soo I fixed it and as I carried on working she kept glancing at me at my station with a puzzled unsatisfied grimace on her face.. Finally she came over and asked “w…were you able to fix your centrifuge?” Surrre I answered..I goggled it a long time ago. Her face was simply priceless..and ofc me being the unbovered type I laughed right in it. 😆 I don’t want to believe I work with people who are willing to sabotage me, but she made it evident that I just may be…

primpin’ ain’t easy..but it’s necessary

One test left then finals and the semester’s over! I’m not waiting to take some time for myself. So nails, hair and a healthy food haul are on the agenda for this weekend. I wanted to catch a movie tomorrow, but I’m not sure if I’ll have time. 😑 Maybe I’ll make some.

core stability. 

Missed blogging yesterday. It has been therapeutic extracting some of the crap going on. I want to stay consistent even when skies are sunny..it’s important for me to be able to see myself overcoming..anywho, I’m so glad it’s Friday! Idk why I’m still so exhausted..I guess all those days under drained a lot of my strength. 

It ain’t galactic.

Geez my knees! Idk why my legs have been aching so…In finer news my spirits are up. 

There’s this goal I have been meaning to reach for a few years now..we’ll more than a few. I certainly haven’t been very proactive about attaining it. I have a feeling if I go ahead and do it I’d feel 100% better about at least one aspect of my life. It’s rather embarrassing and well…i aint altogether bovered sooo..here it is. I’m 32 with no driver’s license. There I said it. Let’s set how that looks in words. Looks horrid. >.< I’ve owned 2 cars, but never traded in my learner’s permit for the real deal. Tragic. The thing is I share my car with my mum and sister, so in actuality I don’t drive much. Also, not passing the first time really shot down my confidence. However, I think now more than ever I need to take the plunge again. I know it’s all in my head..my over analyzing head..I’m really a good driver..just anxious about not passing again.  Just think, I could hop in my car and go for a drive or go to my favorite spot when I’m feeling a deeper shade of blue. That would be a comfort. Comfort is something I’m at such a deficit of, so I’m searching for ways to cope so that I don’t fall so far down. It’s such a climb back to the surface..well at least it ain’t galactic.

Stratum Basale

I didn’t sleep the best last night. Woke up with a bit of a migraine but still found myself seeking out sunlight. My mood has improved slightly. I took a moment to think of myself..only myself. Not in a selfish way..in a self loving way. So important. I’ve been so focused on how everyone else is..how they feel..what they need for holistic balance.  Jeebus how well I forgot about me.

 I have to remember to stay present and understsnd that healing starts from the inside..from the bottom up and is continuous. It’s so easy to drown in circumstances. 

I stared a monster in the eye..

Well I made it through a very difficult day. It started off rough..really rough. I had no appetite..physical pain to top off the emotional turmoil and a bit of a fuzzy head. I managed to drink a smoothie and ate solid food by 8 p.m. Thankfully, it was a slow day at work. Now I’m drained. Beyond tired..Hoping tomorrow will be  better, but if not..I’ll stare that monster in the eye again..and push through because this is a fight I don’t intend to loose.

Vertically.

Today isn’t much better than yesterday. I have to get up and get ready to go to work. How heavy my legs seem…my lips feel sealed together and I have no desire to open them..my countenance tells no lies but by the end of this day many will be deceived. 

Last time I was almost 30..

Thought I’d pass through and revisit my past thoughts. What a bright young chap I was! I almost deleted this blog. I’ve opened countless..and by countless I mean 2?..other blogs..Always an external “do over” in an attempt to fix what was never broken..merely bent. Bending isn’t all bad…

Lately I’ve been incredibly under the weather..such a shame as this is my favorite time of year. There’s such a heavy cloud surrounding my life..there are times when the sun can manage to peep through, but the heaviness of it all is so overwhelming. A physician would deem it depression and i couldn’t argue with that. Finding ways to cope is hard..especially when you’re surrounded by other wounded mammals, but I’ve been getting by.  Just getting by.  I want more..I’ve decided to dig in..it hurts terribly and a large part of me wishes to keep the wound covered. I know the best way is to rip off the band-aid and bleed..I’m so tired of covering..hiding..pretending…so here we go. I’m diving in to get out..or rather get through. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I’m more than ready to move forward with that. However, there is a giant elephant in my space..one called addiction. Drug addiction has plagued my life since I was a child..most of the people closest to me struggle with it..However, I’ve always been a relatively safe distance from its effects. Now that I’m living with an addict there’s no escaping these effects. This heaviness encompasses everything I do..every step I take. Trying to shake it off is the most difficult tango. I’ve tried everything to help..to encourage change, but you can’t make any one do something they haven’t made up their own mind to do. So my job is to keep myself above the dark cloud..even though it pains me to know that people I love are clothed in it..I’m worthy of light..worthy of peace of mind. I’ve endured enough loss..giving up my life is not an option. There’s a hell of a lot for me to be sad about..I don’t have a functional family  nor friends to lean on..This was no biggie to me for years..there was a vast emptiness that I had no desire to fill. Now that I’m opening up to myself, I’m starting to realize that I want these things..and I deserve these things. Family is not always who you are born to..and as for friends..I have never been open enough to truly make any. An introverted extrovert I am..ha.

There is a lot for me to be happy about too..forever an optimist. I have a job that I love..the people can be asses at times but I’m not there for them I’m there for my patients. And I know that what I do makes a huge difference in their lives..they breathe a bit easier because of what I do..literally. Working as a bloodbanker is such a rewarding job..not necessarily from coworkers or staff or patients but from self. I know what I do makes a difference. I’m truly growing into an adult in the workplace. As much as I’d like to dish out a couple five finger samishes, I don’t..I keep my head up and keep it moving. Many of my coworkers are rather selfish..they try to push off more difficult jobs on other techs instead of doing their part..such idiots..like aren’t you at work to well..work? It’a tempting for me to get like them, but nah. I’m determined to do my very best everyday..warm autos, kleihauer betkes, lui elutions, and all. I have never shied away from a challenge and I’m not about to be a chump now. I’m also working towards my second degree..pain in the arse that is, but I’m excited that I’m at least trying. And then there’s my body makeover..I’ve done a hell of a lot of damage to this body of mine and I’m ready for transformation. I know there will be bumps in the road..failures and successes..but I’m ready.

so as always onward… in spite of it all.

 

Was thinking about deleting my past.

So I was thinking I’d start a new blog..close this one and start fresh..that is until I read my old posts..posts from younger years..I should think I’d like to look back on those someday..see how stupid or wise, silly or thoughtful I was in comparison to some present someday.

Anywho..I’ve decided to strictly stand by the NCR. I’ve been doing great..ofc she contacts me every other week..but what I’d love to know is why? She’s in a relationship..smiles for the camera in the other girl’s arms..Now I’m aware that it’s just another scene in a very elaborate play, but srsly..I’m no longer casted. I really don’t want to seem bitter because I’m not. I’m thankful. So very glad I got the opportunity to see 3 dimensions of a person I loved with eyes closed. I heard a word last night and it sunk deep into the tiny hard to reach places of my heart. The word was unconditional. Following that word was love. Two words alone, and especially combined that she never had for me..There’s nothing left to exert myself for…I feel I’m wasting energy just extracting thoughts from my head to this blog, but I’d really rather not leave them in..better to get it out..spread it thin and have a look at them.

Giggles..mom’s making a valiant attempt to use the gopher. She’s blaming her failure to secure things on..the gopher. Ofc it’s not the gopher, it’s the operator..