Over over Under…

1-22-17

I’ve decided to seek more gainful employment. It has been a difficult decision, but my current employer does not appreciate me and does not deserve a dedicated employee like me. The only thing that holds me is the patients. I have a heart for their needs, but I absolutely refuse to allow them to use and abuse me. I was warned about this particular lab but I decided to follow my heart. My passion is Bloodbanking and -not to toot my own horn-I’m darn good at it, but there’s  too much pettiness going on. I’m actually starting to hate going to work..Not because of the job, but the people. Yesterday I was supposed to be doing a lighter job..instead they assigned someone else to it (not the 1st time its happened). So I carried on no problem with the heavy lifting..Now there was one place for me to sit and when I sat there one of the petty poppers swapped out my scanner with one she presumed to be broken when I stepped away and didn’t bother plug in the one she swapped. So I said nothing to her..I just plugged it in tried to get it working and carried on..Then I was forced to move to a new area because I hadn’t the space to carry out what I was doing there and they were all “where is she?” as if I was avoiding work..when in reality I was busting my bum in the back unpacking blood cells. The wishy-washy manager confronted me in a rude manner in front of another employee..”what are you doing?” with a grimace that could probably kill small ants..I NEVER try to avoid work…she just leapt to conclusions that she allows those petty poppers to put in her head..my character, my work ethic is clearly not enough. The other employee that witnessed how rudely she approached me asked me whats with her?..she seems to have a sour taste in her mouth..indeed it was not just me who noticed it. How much disrespect am I supposed to take? I’m at my limit. They fail to recognize that I don’t have to take this off them. I’m being over worked over stressed and UNDER paid. This is exactly why there is such a high turn around. Dedicated employees like myself are in and out of there. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve turned down other labs who were practically begging me to work with them for my current lab..and to be treated like this is just…😕 I’m done. Very done.

I don’t like calling off, but today I just had to..I’m absolutely exhausted..physically, mentally and emotionally with those people. I couldn’t subject myself to it with the night I had…I didn’t sleep a wink because of the thoughts running through my head..The anguish..I know I can’t just leave..I have bills to pay. So first thing tomorrow morning I will be on the horn trying to find a new job. I’m worth so much more than this.

4-14-17

Got a new job..starting Tuesday🤗

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Exhaustive.

Another bequtiful day in the neighborhood.🙄 I woke up early enough..wanted to get up and sworkit but my intense desire to escape the crumb capade glued me to my bed. It’s tough. Hard to focus on what I need to do for Me. I’ve been getting better at rising above it in my head, but it hasn’t been put into fruition.

Yesterday I was glad to go to work..I usually am. It gives me an escape from the dysfunction at home and I do enjoy my work..it’s the people that make it so..ugckkhh. When I went in I spoke to everyone as I always do..out of 3 people 1 responded…under her breath. They do this often. How on earth can professional adults be so…I can’t even decide on the proper adjective to describe it..rude, ignorant, mean, unprofessional, nasty, tacky? No clue. They always have underestimated me and tried to find ways to shit on my character and when I blast those expectations out the water, they can’t stand  it…It’s as if they don’t like the fact that this underdog is succeeding. I hate to think they have any racist tendencies..but I notice they never do that kind of crap to anyone but me. Whatever. I’m not going to let their f’d up ways destroy my drive. I’m going to go in there and continue to give it my all..and if they want to throw shade..well that’s to be expected but this crazy  diamond is gonna shine on! 🤗 My patients are my priority..not a bunch of immature rude pricks. I started my second semester at uni yesterday as well. I’m taking it easy this semester, just 6 credit hours..well off to work.

But all is well…

Well this has been a new experience for me this holiday season..nothing has changed in some aspects. My sister’s drug abuse has intensified and my mother’s depression is on a steady march. However, my fervent desire to hold tight to my own happiness and well being is in full effect. I’m holding my positive energy close. I am speaking my mind..divulging my feelings..crying when I need to and laughing as much as I can. I have never been so vocal with my sister about how I’m feeling about what she’s doing..I find it hard to believe she is unaware that her drug abuse is not only abuse to her own body..it’s abusive to me, my mother, and every person on the road..but I told her and every chance I get I continue to tell her how I’m feeling about what she’s doing. Her excuses are going right over my head..I’m no longer willing to allow anyone’s excuses hinder my progress…including my own. 

2017 I’m going to make the best of you!

take my hand optimism..hold me close Reality.

My sister went to a treatment center yesterday and today was her 1st meeting. I’m always stoic about these things. I am proud of her for taking steps to claim her life back. I hope she has the strength to hold on to sobriety. I can’t set myself up to high for a let down…there’s been so many let downs. I’m glad she’s finally being honest with herself above all things. The next step is to be honest with her mother and I. My mom always assumes the absolute worst..and with no communication..no honest communication one can’t entirely blame her.

later the same day..well she came home complaining about all the paperwork she needs and references and blah lala..Excuses. I’m over it. I can’t put any more energy into this tonight (:

Fa-la-la-la-Blah?

I believe the spirit of the season should extend 365 days a year..we should recognize the needs of others and have a “Christmas” heart everyday. But this time of year has always placed the most emphasized strain on my optimism. There was a time..a long time ago..when the blissful ignorance of childhood shielded me from it all. Now between my mother’s holiday melancholy (which can be 10x worse than her usual depression) and my sister’s drug addiction the season is never so bright and cheerful for me. It hasn’t been for many years now and I’m absolutely tired. Tired of letting my happiness slip away into anxiety and depression. Tired of wondering what it feels like to be happy with my own life and not just for a season. I am a dedicated daughter and sister, but exactly how much of my own well being am I supposed to perpetually compromise? I bend over backwards to be there and uplift them but when I’m in need I’m on my own. My reservoir empties out and I haven’t the strength to pull myself up..get my own shit together..and to be perfectly honest I’m over it. I need me. I reallly urgently need me to be there for Me. My health is suffering..my social life..my love life..my sparkle is dim and I know there’s a flame inside me that is meant to shine. The only compromise I’m willing to offer at this point is to help them to get and be well. To live better, think better..move onward.. I know depression and addiction are illnesses..I am more than willing to help in any way I can with convalence..I’m willing to be the light that my mum needs when she’s in darkness..I’m willing to shine light on the truth when my sister becomes overwhelmed with the lies that lure of drugs whisper to her..I’m willing. But to sit here and stay silent..do nothing..that’s no longer an option. As uncomfortable as it makes me or them I have to confront them with the truth. Furthermore, I have to care for myself..do some things that make me sparkle..without that sparkle I can help no one. 

not really a crabby crab

12/13

I’m at the drs office waiting on mum..she’s doing a much better job of making an effort at taking care of herself..I’m so proud of her for that.

So ofc social settings make me aware of my social awkwardness. 🙄 But it also brings me an opportunity to remember I’ve come such a long way. I remember a time I used to turn red as a crayfish and become exceedingly anxious over the simplest things whilst in any public setting. It’s vital to remember where you come from..it provides you with the velocity to move forward. I want to be more friendly and forthcoming with people. I know I will never be officer friendly but I could try harder😏 ..Tbh some people don’t make it too easy these days..Most are generally more interested in sizing eachother up and passing superficial judgements..I feel especially concious of this when I’m with my sister who wears more manly attire and sports a short haircut. I was always so defensive of her..wanting to take their stares and spin them round..Once there was this lady on the bus who kept staring at her like is she a she? I turned right round and stared the lady in the face like what’s it to ya toots? Her reaction was priceless😆

12/14

 On the flip side, there was the sweetest elderly lady in the office..she greeted me with a chipper good morning! It’s refreshing to be around positive people. I’m usually surrounded by electrons. 🙄

we don’t know…we won’t know unless we start. 

I’ve decked the halls and dolled up my nails with some festive sparkles☺ 

I’m planning to get my drivers license together before the new year. I NEED to regain my independence! There’s a lot I need to work on..not just in 2017 but starting Now. I’m making progress, but I know dang well I can do better. 

Today I finished my 1st semester at university! It was a rough one..integrated anatomy and physiology was a sincere pain in the gluteul region 🙄 I got my associates degree back in Dec 2014 so I was definitely rusty. Next semester I’ll do better..stay ahead of my due dates and such. 

With all the short shifts at work, I’m concerned about being overworked. So many people have transferred to other facilities…they’re begging me to stay there. I love what I do but I refuse to be overworked or give up what little time I have off to fill in week after week. Not happening.  No sir.👌I wish I was more talented..maybe I can channel some from the universe and open my own business someday.

not really a crabby crab

12/13

I’m at the drs office waiting on mum..she’s doing a much better job of making an effort at taking care of herself..I’m so proud of her for that.

So ofc social settings make me aware of my social awkwardness. 🙄 But it also brings me an opportunity to remember I’ve come such a long way. I remember a time I used to turn red as a crayfish and become exceedingly anxious over the simplest things whilst in any public setting. It’s vital to remember where you come from..it provides you with the velocity to move forward. I want to be more friendly and forthcoming with people. I know I will never be officer friendly but I could try harder😏 ..Tbh some people don’t make it too easy these days..Most are generally more interested in sizing eachother up and passing superficial judgements..I feel especially concious of this when I’m with my sister who wears more manly attire and sports a short haircut. I was always so defensive of her..wanting to take their stares and spin them round..Once there was this lady on the bus who kept staring at her like is she a she? I turned right round and stared the lady in the face like what’s it to ya toots? Her reaction was priceless😆

12/14

 On the flip side, there was the sweetest elderly lady in the office..she greeted me with a chipper good morning! It’s refreshing to be around positive people. I’m usually surrounded by electrons. 🙄

hold tight.

It’s been a rocky few days..today is better and the same. My sister claimed she was going to get a haircut and came back with that dazed stupor on her face. I’m becoming less and less tolerant of her foolishness. That’s all her addiction is to me foolishness. I have a deep heart..am empathetic one. I know her addiction is way more than foolishness. Only she knows what the layers of her illnesses mean to her and why it holds her from herself. I only wish she had the strength to see and care about how damaging it is to my mother..I know this has a ton to do with her anxiety & depression because it gets to me at times. I’m stronger than my mom and I try to stay at the top..above the drama, but it still brushes by me…I’m only human. I can only imagine what it would feel like to watch my daughter slowly and consistently deteriorate. 

The more in touch I’m becoming with myself, the more I’m able to grasp and process my feelings. I’m not running from them. I’m no longer afraid of them..good bad ugly happy sad angry..I’m just ready to move through. I’m not trying to distract myself or candy coat the situation. I’m very glad of that. 

anaphylaxic 

Sooo I forgot to mention I had another allergic reaction on Thursday evening. My face, lips, eyes , and hands were swollen and RED, rock lobster red. The last one was years ago. It was really horrid. I thought it was the ibuprofen or shrimps then. I’m not certain what caused it this time but the only thing I had that I don’t usually have is whole milk. The funny thing is the barista mentioned to his co-worker that he’d added too much milk to my peppermint bark latte..when I took a sip I agreed but instead of marching my bum back, I kept drinking it. I detest milk..I dont tolerate it well at all, so that very well may be the culprit. I’m making an appointment with an allergist next week..it’s quite scary having these reactions and not knowing what’s causing it.